Have you ever wondered why some people form tight, long-lasting, highly interdependent relationships while others seem to avoid meeting new people or becoming attached? Attachment theory may provide answers, and reveal why you may have a different attachment style than your friends, your partners, and even your family. In this guide, we’ll cover a few of the basics of attachment style and explain how it can impact your life. 

If you are seeking to form better, more meaningful relationships, delving into your attachment style can help give you insight. Working with a therapist is a great way to begin unpacking how your attachment style might have formed, and can help you to have healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future. Without further ado, here’s what you need to know about attachment style: 

What Is Attachment Theory? 

Originally created by developmental psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, Attachment Theory centers on the emotional bonds (relationships) that humans form with one another. Attachment style impacts both how we interact with others and how we respond emotionally to them, and can greatly dictate our success in both platonic and romantic relationships. In many cases, attachment style even impacts how we parent our own children and their eventual adult attachment style. 

How Attachment Styles Develop

Attachment styles are thought to develop from the moment we are born and are built on the foundational relationship between infant and caregiver. As we grow older, our attachment styles are thought to mimic the dynamic between ourselves and our first caregiver(s), which may or may not be to the detriment of future relationships. 

Theoretically, attachment behaviors (the expression of attachment) may be an evolutionary trait used by infants to remain close to their caregivers. Bowlby theorized that attachment behavior is a reaction to the question : “Is the caregiver/attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive?” If the individual can answer “yes”, they feel secure and loved. If the answer is “no”, they feel anxious and instinctively perform an attachment behavior (i.e. crying) to signal for the caregiver. 

In children, the more secure attachment style allows an increased sense of confidence and independence, while children with more anxious attachment styles display less inclination to play or engage with their environment. Since attachment style is often carried with an individual throughout their life, an anxious infant may be more likely to grow to become an anxious, avoidant, or preoccupied partner, friend, or parent.

Types of Attachment Style

Four main types of attachment styles have been identified in adults, though each is thought to originate in childhood. Each type of attachment style affects how we relate to and interact with others including friends, family, and partners. Here is a brief overview of each main type of attachment style: 

Secure

Secure attachment styles are developed when a caregiver is in tune with and responsive to their child’s needs. Securely attached adults are typically capable of forming secure and loving relationships and do not struggle with trust or intimacy. While secure attachment styles enable individuals to develop close relationships that may last a lifestyle, they are typically capable of depending on others without becoming codependent. 

Anxious-Preoccupied

Anxious-preoccupied attachment type individuals often struggle with fears of abandonment and feelings of insecurity. Because of this, some anxious attachment people will become preoccupied with their relationships, requiring constant validation and expressing ‘clingy’ behavior. Anxious-preoccupied attachment is often formed when a child receives inconsistent care and attention. 

Some attachment behaviors individuals that are anxious-preoccupied attachment type may express include: 

• Anxiety when not texted/called back quickly

• Panic when away from friends, family, or partners

• ‘Clingy’ or ‘needy’ behavior

Dismissive-Avoidant

Individuals that have a dismissive-avoidant type of attachment style often struggle with a fear of intimacy which prevents them from forming close or trusting bonds with friends, family, or romantic partners. Dismissive-avoidant type individuals may be emotionally and literally unavailable, and often maintain a distance from their friends, seeing them only occasionally. Self-reliance and sometimes dismissive of help or advice, individuals that are dismissive-avoidant may be perceived as loners or standoffish.

The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is typically the result of a caregiver being dismissive and inattentive, leaving the child to feel that their needs won’t be met by the figure of attachment. 

Fearful-Avoidant

Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style typically crave affection desperately but are uncomfortable initiating and developing relationships. The least common attachment style, fearful-avoidant attachment is thought to be the result of growing up with a scary or dangerous caregiver. Individuals with this attachment style may be more likely to engage in risky or extreme behavior.

For example, fearful-avoidant attachment type individuals may be more likely to lash out in anger or violence against their partners and may struggle to regulate their emotional responses. 

How Attachment Impacts Life

The attachments we form as young children impact us for our entire lives, and can even impact the lives of our children and grandchildren. The relationships we form with our earliest caregivers initiate our developmental process and give us the blueprint for what we can expect from attachment figures like friends, family, and partners. According to attachment theory, there is no mystery as to why some people fall madly in love and do everything to keep it that way while others leave relationships at the smallest inconvenience. 

How we relate to one another has to do with how we were treated in early childhood, and this information can help us to grow and become happier, more secure people. Some people may go a lifetime never understanding why they struggle to form intimate relationships, but as you begin to uncover the origins of your attachment style, you may find answers to your adult-life problems. 

Therapy Can Help You Build Better Relationships

If you recognize yourself in any of the attachment styles we have covered in this guide, and want to begin looking more closely at the origins of your attachment style, therapy can help. At Whole Self Therapy, we help our patients to get in touch with themselves and achieve their goals. If you want to develop closer, more meaningful relationships, you have to start with yourself and your history with attachment. 

Feeling anxious, fearful, or avoidant of your relationships can be frustrating and upsetting, and can stop you from engaging in the activities you love the most. Stop worrying about what others think, whether they’ll show up, or what you need to do to get approval and start living life and loving yourself.

Want to learn more about your attachment style and how it could be impacting your relationships? Book an appointment with Whole Self Therapy today to start your attachment journey!