Thanking our "bad habits"
Drinking. Smoking. Isolating. Getting into repeated unhealthy relationships. Social anxiety. Fatigue. You name it-- the list could go on and on. “Symptoms,” those things about ourselves or our habits that we wish were different. The things we beat ourselves up for, swear we are going to quit or stop or change, and then keep falling back into.
I want to propose something that might sound ridiculous...that the way to *actually* get to the place we want to be is not by trying to will, shame, or rationalize ourselves out of our “bad habits,” but to appreciate them for why they are there in the first place. *ALL* of our behavior is adaptive. That doesn’t mean that what we do doesn’t have consequences or cause pain to ourselves or others, but that we do everything (yes, I mean everything) we do for an adaptive reason, and often an unconscious one.
The part of you that speaks over people while they are talking mid-sentence, that makes you feel bad, apologize repeatedly, feel like you’re a bad friend, and end up withdrawing from that person all together. You could chalk it up to being impulsive or rude, but it’s often deeper than that. Perhaps that part of you doesn’t believe there is enough room for you in the world, or maybe you have experiences where you didn’t truly feel heard--either because everyone else was talking or because the need and emotion behind what you were saying wasn’t truly received. Maybe there’s a deeper fear of being quiet or viewed as boring or like you have nothing to offer. These are only some of the possibilities, but thinking about our “bad habits” in this way can help us shift from critical self-shaming to openness to the possibility that everything we do is an attempt at getting our very valid, human needs met. Needs like protection, respect, safety, and connection. If we can shift from (insert scary principal voice) “Why did you do that?” to a more gentle “Huh, that’s interesting. I wonder why I keep doing that,” then we can open ourselves up to the possibility that our humanity (and the humanity of others) is more complex than just chalking our behavior up to being a “jerk,” “dumb,” or “selfish”.
But you may be saying to yourself, “I ask myself why I do the thing I hate and the only answer I get is that there’s something wrong with me”. Think of it this way: a kid who is asked why they took the last cookie after being told not to is not going to respond to a parent yelling at them. They will likely clam up, look down, and try to become invisible. And that kid may not actually, explicitly know the answer. That parent must approach the kid with genuine kindness, curiosity, and gentleness in order for the kid to feel safe enough to talk or begin to explore his or her actions. Our inner world is the same way. If we ask inside ourselves why we do what we do from a place of criticism and contempt, the places inside that hold the deepest, truest answers are going to go mute. It’s not until we can shift to a stance of genuine curiosity that the answers will reveal themselves.
If this all sounds a little too “woo-woo” for your taste, let me get a little more scientific. There are two main types of memory- explicit and implicit memory. Explicit memory is autobiographic, meaning we can recall something specifically happening to us or a time when we learned to do something. It is easily accessible for recall. For example, you may remember the first time you learned to ride a bike, got picked on at the playground, or baked cookies with your grandmother. It is possible that our habits can be created from explicit memory (i.e. remembering the last time you called your best friend and felt better after or remembering that the last time you drank you felt less stressed), but the habits that are the hardest to break (especially the ones related to how we function in relationships) often stem from what is called implicit memory.
Implicit memory functions without consciously recalling that we are remembering something. It may look like shutting down when your partner expresses a point of frustration because a part of you knows that it isn’t safe to say anything when you are being criticized. This is connected to past experiences that you are likely not consciously aware of in the moment, but you have learned along the way that the best course of action is to shut down. The shutting down happens automatically without thinking to yourself “I’m feeling criticized so I’m not going to respond to anything my partner is saying.” It can happen as automatically and without conscious thought as breathing or pulling your hand away from something hot. Your partner may say “You always shut down when I try to talk to you” and you may consciously know that you do this and truly want to change the pattern in order to be able to connect with your partner, but there’s an underlying reason why even though a part of you wants to be able to connect, another part of you shuts down. Healing and change comes not from shaming yourself for having this pattern but by becoming compassionately curious about what is happening inside yourself during these moments.
Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now? (angry, sad, scared, excited, happy, etc. Words like “attacked” and “criticized” may be your first thought (“This person is attacking me.”), but those are not feelings. Instead, ask yourself how you are feeling (angry, sad, scared) as a result of thinking that you are being attacked.
How old do I feel right now?: This may seem like an odd question, but it can be incredibly helpful. If the answer is something like “I feel 5 years old” or “I feel 15 years old,” it can be a hint that implicit memory is coming up for you, and that your 5 or 15 year old self may have learned that the safest way of responding to perceived criticism is to shut down. For those who have experienced difficulty or trauma in past relationships, statements like “Babe, do you remember when I asked you to do the dishes this morning?” can feel threatening (of loss, rejection, abandonment, abuse) on a deeper level, even though you *know* they aren’t intending to criticize you.
How can I take care of myself right now? This may look like acknowledging that you are feeling scared or angry and making the choice to take some space for yourself. It may look like consciously reminding the scared or angry part of yourself about the truths of the situation (“I know I agreed to do the dishes, but when I am reminded about not having done them, I feel ashamed and shut down because I’m afraid of being abandoned. My partner is not abandoning me. They are right here. I’ve made mistakes in our relationship before and they have forgiven me.”)
Bringing our implicit memory into explicit awareness in order to heal, change, and grow takes time. Be gentle with yourself. If this is something you are interested in learning more about, don’t hesitate to reach out. I would love to support you in this exploration.