Helping Your Child Cope With Anger

The most common trigger behind children and angry outbursts is frustration. When a child does not understand the feelings they are experiencing or can’t find the way to properly verbalize them, frustration can build. Once this happens, children may lash out angrily which causes not only intense stress for you as the parent, but for the child as well. Explore these feelings with your child empathetically. Identifying and labeling feelings with a child will help them gain a better understanding of their feelings and where they come from. This may sound like reflecting to your child. “I can see how angry you are” or “It feels so disappointing that you don’t get to play with your friends today.”

When angry outbursts strike, it may feel like your child goes from zero to a hundred in an instant. Although it certainly feels this way, there is often more contributing to this escalation in energy. As yourself the questions: is my child feeling hungry, lonely, or tired? Angry outbursts can often mask these underlying feelings. Consider whether or not your child is feeling connected to themself and to you. Think about what could be contributing to their dysregulation or lack of felt safety—this could be something physiological (such as a stomach ache), sensory distress (are the lights too bright, is the room too loud) or something relational (have they been threatened with abandonment or harsh punishment). When a child feels unsafe, whether emotionally or physically, it is common that they may respond with anger. It is important to identify what happened inbetween going from zero to a hundred. Reflecting on the circumstances that led up to the child’s angry outburst will help you create a timeline which can decipher certain triggers your child may have. Another helpful activity is creating an ‘anger thermometer’ with your child. A visual tool to help measure the levels of anger your child experiences will help them explore the messages their body sends them when anger begins to escalate. Noticing this will help a child feel more in control of their emotions and learn what coping mechanisms work best for each level of anger they are experiencing. Implementing a calm-down plan for your child will help children understand the ways they can practice regulating their emotions and how to successfully calm themselves. Some examples of this can be creating a ‘comfy-corner.’ Create a designated area where a child can retreat to when feeling overwhelmed with anger. This corner can be customized to accommodate your child. This corner can have comfy pillows, a fun book, a favorite toy or stuffed animal, art supplies, or a favorite smelling lotion. Anything that the child associates with calmness will help make the comfy-corner successful.

Exploring and cultivating anger management techniques with your child is another important step in helping your child cope with anger. Engaging in physical activity such as riding a bike, doing tasks that include proprioceptive input (such as those that involve heavy lifting) or kicking a ball can help calm a child down. Be thoughtful to not require a child to do these tasks as a punishment, as that can lead to your child having the opposite result of what is intended (getting more angry rather than calming down). My personal favorite is having a child dance it out. There are also several breathing exercises and techniques a child can learn and utilize to help feel calm. These can include belly breathing, square breathing, and alternate nostril breathing.

The most important thing along with empathy is consistency. If your child is struggling with anger, try to understand what is happening under the surface- beneath the behaviors. This may also be called being an “emotional detective”. Consider the possibility that your child’s anger is covering up more vulnerable emotions- such as embarrassment, fear, disappointment, guilt, sadness, or even shame. When we attend to the underlying emotion and need, rather than trying to get rid of what we may consider as “bad behavior,” we help the child develop a deeper understanding of and compassion for themself. By focusing on the emotions underneath the behavior, we can help children develop the ability to be self-reflective rather than self-critical or blaming of themself or others. Be clear with your child about what your expectations are and make sure they know. Children can become upset/dysregulated/angry if the expectations change or they do not know what to except in regard’s to their parents/caregivers’s response to their behavior. Predictability builds safety within children (and all of us!). This does not mean that you never adjust based on the needs of your child on any given day (you do and you should!), but rather that allowing yourself to curse one day and groundig them for cursing the next day make create more…cursing (ahem, anger!). Maintaining consistency and empathy with all of your child’s emotions will help your child develop into the resilient human that you desire them to be…with full acknowledgement and appreciation of all parts of their human experience.