Before Behavior Changes: Why Philadelphia Child Therapists Focus on Regulation First
Let’s start with a scenario.
Your six-year-old has just come home from school. You were warned by the teacher that he had a “rough day.” You open the front door and there he is, already mid-meltdown because you dared to offer the blue cup instead of the green one. His sister looks at him like he’s a ticking time bomb. You try being calm. You try validating. You even try logic (rookie move, I know). Nothing is working.
Cue the parental spiral:
“Why is he acting like this?”
“He knows we don’t hit in this house.”
“I’ve literally explained this a hundred times.”
“Is this how he’s going to act forever?”
If any of this sounds familiar, congratulations. You are a human parent of a human child.
And if you’ve tried all the “relating” tricks—talking it through, setting a boundary, offering choices—and your kid still acts like you’ve asked them to file taxes while on fire, it’s probably not because you’re doing it wrong. It’s probably because their brain literally can’t hear you yet.
Let’s talk about why your beautifully-worded attempts at connection sometimes bounce off your child like a ping pong ball off a brick wall. Spoiler alert: it’s not because they’re manipulative or oppositional. It’s because of how brains actually work, especially developing ones.
First, a Little Brain Science (But Make It Funny)
Imagine your child’s brain as a house. Downstairs, you’ve got survival: fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Upstairs is where the good stuff lives—language, empathy, reasoning, executive function, the ability to not throw a LEGO at your sibling’s face just because they breathed near your Pokémon cards.
When kids are calm and regulated, they can live upstairs. But when they’re flooded—overstimulated, overtired, overwhelmed—they get locked out. Literally. The staircase disappears. They’re stuck downstairs in what Dr. Dan Siegel calls the “downstairs brain.”
And let me be clear. You cannot parent the upstairs brain when the downstairs brain is in charge. That’s like trying to tutor someone in algebra while they’re being chased by a bear.
You see where I’m going with this?
Enter: Regulation First
Regulation is the nervous system’s way of saying, “I’m okay enough to be in connection with you.” Without that felt sense of safety, no amount of “use your words” or “we don’t do that” or “I need you to calm down” is going to land. In fact, trying to reason with a dysregulated child often backfires. Why? Because it asks them to access brain areas that are currently offline.
That’s not willful defiance. That’s biology.
That’s not manipulation. That’s a body doing its best to survive an internal storm.
So What Does Work?
Let’s borrow a concept from Robyn Gobbel (who deserves her own fan club, frankly): the 3 R’s—Regulate, Relate, Reason. In that order. Always in that order.
Regulate – Help the child feel safe. This might mean lowering your voice, softening your face, moving closer or giving space. It might mean you take a breath and regulate yourself first (ugh, I know. So unfair.)
Relate – Offer connection. “I see how upset you are.” “This is really hard right now.” This is where your tone and presence matter more than your words.
Reason – Only after safety and connection are in place can you guide, teach, reflect, or repair.
We teach this to parents in therapy all the time. Because most of us were raised with a different model: “stop it or else.” And if you were raised in a home where emotions weren’t welcome, learning to regulate someone else’s feelings can feel completely overwhelming. Which brings us to an important point...
Parents, You Need Regulation Too
You’re not a robot. You’re not supposed to stay perfectly calm while your child is screaming “I HATE YOU” because the waffle broke in half.
So let me be the therapist voice in your head:
You’re not failing. You’re co-regulating. That’s the work.
You’re not spoiling. You’re soothing a dysregulated nervous system.
You’re not caving. You’re calming.
Sometimes “good parenting” doesn’t look like setting a firm boundary with a steady voice and a loving gaze. Sometimes it looks like stepping into the other room and texting your therapist “SOS.”
And sometimes—if we’re being honest—it looks like hiding in the bathroom while eating cookies you said you didn’t buy.
What This Looks Like in Therapy
At All of You Therapy, we work with a lot of kids whose nervous systems are doing exactly what they were wired to do: protect. But that protective wiring doesn’t always translate well to playgrounds, classrooms, or family dinners.
Our child therapists don’t sit down and say, “Now tell me why you hit your sister.” Instead, we meet the child where they are, not where we wish they’d be. That might mean getting down on the floor. It might mean tossing a ball back and forth while co-regulating with rhythm. It might mean using play or movement to help them discharge stress before they can talk at all.
We work bottom-up. Because until a child’s body feels safe, their brain isn’t available for insight or reflection.
That’s not coddling. That’s neuroscience.
A Word About “Bad Behavior”
There’s a false dichotomy floating around: that either we set firm limits or we’re permissive pushovers. But the truth is, relational, brain-based parenting is actually the most structured kind. It just starts with connection, not control.
So when your child is losing it and your first instinct is to yell or threaten or retreat into your own shame spiral, pause and ask:
“What does my child need to feel safe right now?”
“Is this a moment for teaching, or a moment for co-regulation?”
“Can I borrow the therapist’s calm face for the next 30 seconds?”
If you can ask even one of those questions, you’re already doing the work.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If your child is stuck in cycles of dysregulation—or if you’re stuck in your own—it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re human. And you might need more support, more tools, or just someone to sit with you and say “Yep, it makes sense that you’re exhausted.”
That’s what we’re here for.
Our Philadelphia-based child therapists specialize in relational, attachment-focused, brain-informed therapy that meets kids where they are. Whether they’re melting down over math homework or refusing to put on socks for the third day in a row, we support the whole child and the whole family.
We work with parents too, because healing doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens in connection. Just like regulation. Just like relating. Just like everything that actually works.
TL;DR (But Honestly, Go Back and Read the Whole Thing)
Regulation comes before relating and reasoning. Always.
A dysregulated child isn’t giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time.
Your child’s “bad behavior” is often a nervous system in distress, not a character flaw.
Therapy helps because it rewires safety into the body first. Then the rest can follow.
You're not alone, and your child isn’t broken.
Looking for child therapy in Philadelphia?
At All of You Therapy, our team specializes in trauma-informed, attachment-based therapy that supports kids and their caregivers with warmth, science, and just the right amount of play. Reach out here to get started.