"Seventeen, Twenty-Nine": Grooming and it's role in emotional and sexual abuse
Written by Jordan Haiber, BA
Scrolling aimlessly through TikTok has become a bit of a shameless pleasure for many of us. The hilarious skits, relatable content, and captivating dance routines hold my attention for longer than I’d like to admit. If this sounds anything like you, there’s a strong possibility you’ve become aware of the trend Demi Lovato has indirectly started with the release of her new song 29. TikTok users that take part in this trend utilize this song to process their own experiences being manipulated into a relationship as a teenager by an adult. These survivors, including Demi Lovato, bravely share their trauma regarding grooming, sending a powerful message to survivors alike as well as younger audiences unaware of this form of abuse. It has also prompted many to realize that they too have been a victim of grooming and were not aware at the time. From my own personal experience, an adult interested in a teenager manipulates them into feeling they are “more mature” or “special.” As a teenager, this could sound exciting and like Demi Lovato sings, “thought it was a teenage dream, just a fantasy.” She ends this powerfully crooning, “but was it yours or was it mine?” As a minor, to have an adult showing so much interest in you feels like something special. The adult pursuing this inappropriate relationship is aware of the manipulation, the power balance they possess, and their harmful intentions as a predator creating this abusive “fantasy” for themselves. I can only hope that more artists decide to follow Lovato’s lead by using their platform to bravely share stories that can help those affected feel seen and educate younger audiences on less talked about but extremely important topics.
So, what is grooming?
Grooming is the predatory act in which an adult abuser builds an inappropriate relationship with
a child or young person based on a false sense of trust and an emotional connection so they can
manipulate and abuse their victim. This is a long, drawn-out process and the abuser behind the
grooming is extremely calculated in their actions. So calculated in fact, that the victim most
likely has no idea it’s even happening. Many victims don’t realize they were groomed until long
after it happens. Grooming differs from case to case, but the most common stages involve
targeting, gaining access, trust development, desensitization to sexual touch and content and
lastly maintaining control. Let’s explore what these stages typically look like to get a better
understanding of what the warning signs may present as.
1. Target
Unfortunately, most predators will target a child they already know. This could be a close
family friend or even family member. This tactic speeds up the grooming process for the
abuser due to an amount of familiarity and some trust already existing. Many predators have
turned to utilizing social media platforms to find their next victim. They typically look for
victims that they believe to be vulnerable, i.e. having low self-esteem and emotional
neediness. The direct messaging feature present on most social media platforms make it
easier and faster for predators to begin their process in a private manner.
2. Gaining Access
This is the stage where the perpetrator attempts to establish trust with their victim. They give
them copious amounts of attention. This attention involves gift giving and an influx of
compliments in order to make their victim feel that they are special.
3. Trust Development
The abuser becomes a consistent part of the victim’s life as they actively gain more and more
information on them to further the manipulation. The victim views their abuser as a friendly
or even romantic relationship at this point in the process. The perpetrator is continuously
working to blur the lines between what a normal and abnormal relationship are.
4. Sexual Desensitization
Once the abuser feels enough trust has been built, they begin to expose their victim to sexual
content to normalize it. This creates a path for the groomer to sexually abuse their victim
without the victim understanding the reality of the cruel assault that is perpetrator is
committing. Boundaries are continuously pushed, and sexual activities are disguised as
innocent encounters.
5. Maintaining Control
Once the sexual abuse has begun, the abuser goes to horrible lengths to prolong the abusive
relationship they have created with their victim. Due to each calculated step of the grooming
process, the abuser knows a frightening amount of their victim’s personal information.
Abusers will resort to threats, secrecy and even violence to keep their victim under their
control.
If you are looking for therapy to heal from sexual abuse or grooming, in Philadelphia or throughout the state o Pennsylvania, please feel free to reach out to the therapists at All of You Therapy. We would be honored to support you on your healing journey.