Disenfranchised Grief: What To Do When You Feel Misunderstood
Society is comfortable with the grief that comes with being human: grieving the death of a loved one, grieving an illness, or even something as simple as losing a job. Life comes with plenty of ‘ordinary’ challenges, but what are you supposed to do when life throws something out of the ordinary at you?
Disenfranchised grief is a term coined by Ken Doka (a professor, writer, and grief expert) who defined it like this: “Grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly mourned.”
Disenfranchised grief is what you experience when you experience a traumatic event or a loss by means that are socially taboo like the loss of a loved one by suicide or overdose, divorce or separation, miscarriage, illness in the family, and so on. In general, types of disenfranchised grief can be organized into one of these categories:
Losses that are not deemed “worthy” of grief. For example losses of assets, loss of a pet, or non-death losses.
Grief related to a taboo or stigmatized relationship. For example, ex-partners or friends.
Grief related to a taboo or stigmatized event. For example suicide, drunk driving, drug overdose.
Losses that are not considered “traumatic” based on your relationship to the individual. For example, the death of a co-worker or someone you only occasionally socialized with.
Stigmatized reactions to grief. For example, appearing “too calm” or reserved following a traumatic event, or requiring clinical intervention for your grief.
Grief is a tricky thing, and while we all expect to be sad and mourn lost friends and family at some point in our lives, it can be a shock once the time comes. In some cases, people may find supportive friends, family, neighbors, and community members ready to jump in and help out, but this isn’t always the case. For some, the grief they are feeling can’t be addressed in a Hallmark card, leaving support systems at a loss for how to help. In other cases, your grief may be dismissed, either due to a lack of understanding and empathy, or because you have experienced something that others view as taboo or stigmatized.
However, disenfranchised grief doesn’t always stem from stigma, it often stems from other people being dismissive and simply not being able to acknowledge how and why someone might be experiencing pain. Here’s a quick story to shed a little more light on this topic:
When Lena’s friends left for college, she was super excited for them and couldn’t wait to hear about all of the amazing adventures they were going to have. Although Lena decided to stay in her hometown and start working right after high school, she wasn’t worried and figured she would have plenty of time to spend with friends when they came back for holidays and summer vacation.
At first, everything was fine, and Lena and her friends texted and called daily. A few weeks into the school year, texts started to slow down, and Lena was met with messages like “sorry - can’t talk today, have too much homework to do and class at 8!” As the months went by, the texts became more and more infrequent, until Lena started to feel like she had lost her friends for good.
When Lena mentioned this to her mom, her mom responded with “well, you could have gone to college, you knew high school wouldn’t last forever.” When she tried telling one of her friends that she was feeling lonely, they were sympathetic, but didn’t have much advice other than to “get out and try to meet some new people.” Lena became more and more lonely and started to feel deep grief for her high school days and her group of friends who were now preoccupied with new schools in new states.
Unfortunately, the fact that no one could understand what Lena was going through made things worse. She knew that she could have gone to college, but she hadn’t and didn’t want to. Her friends weren’t at fault for leaving, but that didn’t make her feel any less lonely. Being told to go out and make new friends just felt dismissive, as if the friendships she was grieving didn’t matter. Eventually, Lena stopped telling anyone she was upset since she began to feel like no one cared and her words were falling on deaf ears.
This is why disenfranchised grief is often called “hidden grief.” People that experience this type of grief feel unheard and misunderstood, and often end up suffering alone with their feelings of sorrow and pain. While it can feel like you are all alone when you experience disenfranchised grief, and that no one could possibly understand or care, we promise there is help available.
Seeking therapy is one of the best ways to start feeling like yourself again, and can be an extremely affirming experience for anyone who has felt unheard and misunderstood. In therapy, you’ll be able to share your feelings of sorrow without judgment, and to a trained professional who has experience working with other people who have experienced exactly what you are going through,
You do not need to suffer in silence and hold in your grief. You deserve to grieve and to process what you have been through, no matter how big or small, how ordinary or traumatic, or how recently or long ago it happened. At Whole Self Therapy, we lend an understanding ear and endless support to our patients. We know that grieving looks different for everyone, and are committed to helping you journey through your grief to reach a place of self-love, acceptance, and understanding.
If you or a loved one are suffering from disenfranchised grief, don’t hesitate to reach out.