Helping children process community violence
Are the kids in your life talking about a recent violent incident? If so, it's important that you understand that this is a normal part of the grieving process. When there is an unexpected death or trauma in our communities, children often experience what we call "acute stress." This can include nightmares, difficulty sleeping and concentrating at school, and being anxious when they're away from home or their parents. Children may even regress in their development as they struggle to cope with these feelings. Here are some ways you can help your child cope with what's going on:
Give them an outlet to express what they're feeling.
When a child witnesses violence, they need to be able to express what they're feeling. But how do you help them open up? First, make sure that you are a safe place for them to share their feelings. Let the child know that it's okay for them to be sad or scared and that you will listen without judging or getting angry at them for feeling this way. Listen actively by reflecting back what the child has just said in order not to interrupt their thoughts or make them feel as though they have been misunderstood: "It sounds like when you saw this person being shot it made me afraid because I didn't know when they might come after me next." Then encourage them to share with an adult who can offer guidance on how best handle such events moving forward—whether that means talking about what happened together, practicing calming techniques like deep breathing exercises (which will take only five minutes), playing games like tic tac toe while waiting out traffic jams on streets nearby where shootings occurred previously etcetera...
Be aware of your own feelings.
Be aware of your own feelings.
Don't minimize or make light of their concerns.
Don't ignore the problem.
You may want to ask questions like "What's going on?" or "Are you feeling safe?" You can also ask them what they might need from you, such as "Do you want to talk about this more?" If they don't want to talk about it at all for now, that's okay too! Remember that children process things differently than adults do, so try not to force them into talking if they're not ready yet.
Don't be afraid to seek help from others if needed (elders, counselors). We do our best work together!
Stay calm and set boundaries.
Stay calm and reassure your children. It's important to be calm when talking with your kids, especially if they seem anxious or upset. Try to avoid getting overly defensive or angry at them if they ask questions about what happened—this can make the situation even more difficult for them.
Set boundaries and rules for family members around topics of violence. This may mean being clear with older children about what it appropriate to discuss around their younger siblings, while also being sure to give your older children a chance to process their emotions and experiences in as much detail as they need.
Be aware of your own feelings and emotions. You may feel sad, angry, or upset by the news of a violent incident in your community; you also might have strong reactions if someone brings up the topic in front of you or among other adults nearby (and possibly even your children). It's normal for these emotions to come up from time to time—but it's important not to let these feelings spill over into how you interact with other family members who may be feeling scared about what has happened in their community too!
Establish a sense of safety.
Safety is a feeling, not a place. A safe environment can be created in many ways — for example, with your presence and attention, consistency in daily routine, by helping your child feel secure and cared for. It’s important to remember that safety isn’t the same as security or control: safety is about feelings of comfort and well-being. You can help children process community violence by helping them find that sense of safety in their lives again.
Don't minimize or make light of their concerns.
The next time your child mentions community violence, follow these guidelines:
Don't minimize or make light of their concerns. Many parents feel that they need to talk down the impact of the violence their children are experiencing. While it's important not to overreact, it's also important not to dismiss their feelings and concerns as unfounded or exaggerated. When in doubt, err on the side of listening patiently rather than rushing to comfort them with false assurances and platitudes that may do more harm than good by making them feel like they're being patronized or told what they already know (e.g., "Don't worry about it too much").
Be honest but positive in your responses. Honesty is always key when dealing with children; you want them growing up knowing that you can be trusted with information and accepting of their emotions without judgmental criticism or condemnation.
Talk about community heroes who are working for positive social change.
It can be helpful to talk about community heroes who are working for positive social change. Talk about people who are working to help the community and its members heal, grow and thrive after a tragedy or other traumatic event. These could include:
Doctors or nurses who provide medical care during an emergency
Police officers, firefighters and paramedics who come to a scene of violence or disaster
Teachers and other school staff members who comfort students during a lockdown drill
Volunteer counselors who listen as children talk about their feelings after they've been affected by violence in the community
Focus on ways you can support them and help them cope.
Listen to them
Acknowledge their feelings and experiences
Help them find a safe space to talk about their trauma. This can be the child’s home or the home of another trusted adult, such as a teacher or coach.
Encourage them to express themselves through art, writing, or play activities.
Encourage conversation with trusted adults who can listen and answer questions.
Talk with a trusted adult.
If you want to talk about your feelings and concerns, there are many adults who can listen and answer your questions. These might include a counsellor at school or in the community, the teacher of your class, a parent or guardian, another family member (grandparent, auntie/uncle), or a close friend. If you’re not sure where to start with this list of trusted adults, think about who has been there for you when things have been hard before. You can also talk to someone outside of home — like an older sibling or friend — but remember that not all teens have support systems outside their immediate family members or guardians.
You can help children by giving them the tools to process trauma in the wake of community violence
The effects of community violence can be complex and long-lasting. Children may experience strong reactions, including fear, sadness, guilt, anger, or even a sense of moral outrage. They might have trouble sleeping or concentrating in school; they might act out in class or with friends; they might become withdrawn or irritable.
It's important that parents know how to talk to their children about what happened — and what not to say. Here are some tips:
Don't tell your child that "everything is okay." You'll want to reassure him that you're there for him if he needs anything at all — but also let him know that nothing is ever completely okay after something like this happens in someone's life (even if it seems like everything is right now).
Be careful not to go overboard on the details of the tragedy; kids need only as much information as they can handle at the time — no more!
When children experience trauma in their communities, we want them to feel safe and supported. It’s important for adults to give children the tools they need to process what they've experienced and make sense of it in their own minds. By doing this, we can help create a society where all people have the opportunity to thrive—no matter who they are or where they come from.
If you would like support in processing your own or your child’s response to community violence, the trained trauma therapists in Philadelphia at All of You Therapy would be honored to support you. You can contact us to schedule an initial consultation call to further discuss ways we can help.