Kids Do Well When They Can: Understanding Ross Greene’s Approach to Supporting Children
Parenting and teaching are no small feats, especially when children exhibit challenging behaviors that leave adults feeling puzzled or frustrated. Enter Dr. Ross Greene and his transformative philosophy: "Kids do well when they can." This simple yet profound idea reshapes the way we view and respond to children's difficulties, offering a roadmap grounded in compassion, collaboration, and problem-solving.
This blog explores the core principles of Dr. Greene’s approach, why it’s so impactful, and how parents and educators can apply it to help children thrive.
The Core Idea: Kids Do Well When They Can
At the heart of Dr. Greene’s approach is the belief that children inherently want to succeed. When a child struggles with behaviors such as tantrums, defiance, or avoidance, it’s not because they lack motivation—it’s because they lack the skills to meet expectations. These skills often include:
Emotional regulation
Problem-solving
Flexibility and adaptability
Impulse control
Rather than viewing misbehavior as intentional or manipulative, Greene’s framework invites adults to approach challenges with curiosity and empathy, asking:
“What is getting in the way of this child’s success?”
Shifting the Paradigm: From Punishment to Problem-Solving
Traditional discipline models often rely on rewards and punishments to shape behavior. While these methods may achieve short-term compliance, they fail to address the underlying issues driving the behavior. Greene’s approach, known as Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS), shifts the focus from control to understanding and collaboration.
By identifying and addressing the root causes of a child’s struggles, CPS fosters long-term growth and stronger relationships. It’s not about making a child behave—it’s about equipping them with the tools they need to succeed.
The CPS Process: Three Steps to Success
The CPS model revolves around three main steps:
Empathy Step
The first step is to gather information about the child’s perspective. What specific challenges are they facing? What feelings or thoughts accompany those challenges?
Example: If a child frequently refuses to do homework, an adult might ask, “I’ve noticed it’s been hard for you to start your homework lately. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”
Define the Problem Step
Next, the adult shares their perspective. This step involves clearly articulating why the issue is a concern without assigning blame.
Example: “It’s important to get your homework done so you’re prepared for school tomorrow, but it seems like something’s making it hard for you.”
Collaborative Solution Step
Together, the child and adult brainstorm solutions that address both perspectives. The goal is to find a mutually satisfactory plan that works for everyone.
Example: “Let’s think of some ideas that could make homework time easier for you. What do you think might help?”
Why It Works: The Science Behind CPS
Dr. Greene’s approach is rooted in neuroscience and developmental psychology. Here’s why it’s so effective:
Promotes Skill Development
CPS helps children build the executive functioning skills they need to manage challenges independently.
Reduces Power Struggles
By collaborating instead of imposing, adults and children become partners rather than adversaries.
Fosters Emotional Safety
Empathy and understanding create a safe space for children to express themselves without fear of judgment or punishment.
Strengthens Relationships
Working together to solve problems builds trust and connection between adults and children.
Common Challenges and How to Overcome Them
While CPS is highly effective, it requires a mindset shift that can feel challenging at first. Here are some common obstacles and tips for navigating them:
Letting Go of Control
Challenge: Adults may feel tempted to revert to traditional discipline methods.
Solution: Remind yourself that collaboration leads to more lasting and meaningful change.
Patience with the Process
Challenge: CPS takes time and may not yield immediate results.
Solution: Trust that the effort invested in understanding and problem-solving will pay off over time.
Balancing Perspectives
Challenge: It can be hard to find solutions that satisfy both the child’s needs and the adult’s concerns.
Solution: Approach the process with flexibility and creativity, and be willing to experiment with different solutions.
Real-Life Applications of CPS
Let’s look at how CPS can be applied in everyday scenarios:
Scenario 1: Morning Routine Challenges
Problem: A child struggles to get ready for school on time.
CPS in Action:
Empathy: “I’ve noticed it’s been hard for you to get dressed and ready in the morning. What’s going on?”
Define the Problem: “We need to leave the house by 8:00, but it seems like mornings feel rushed for you.”
Collaborative Solution: “What do you think would make mornings easier? Maybe we could pick out clothes the night before?”
Scenario 2: Homework Avoidance
Problem: A child resists doing their homework every evening.
CPS in Action:
Empathy: “I’ve noticed homework has been really tough lately. Can you tell me more about that?”
Define the Problem: “Homework needs to get done, but something is making it hard for you to start. Let’s figure out what’s going on.”
Collaborative Solution: “What do you think about setting a timer for short work periods with breaks in between?”
Supporting Adults in the Process
CPS isn’t just about helping children—it also supports adults in rethinking their approach to behavior. Here are some tips for caregivers and educators:
Practice Self-Regulation
Staying calm and composed models emotional regulation for children.
Embrace a Growth Mindset
Recognize that both you and the child are learning new skills through this process.
Seek Support
Collaborate with other adults, such as teachers or therapists, to ensure a consistent approach across environments.
Dr. Ross Greene’s philosophy—“Kids do well when they can”—challenges us to see children through a lens of empathy and capability. By focusing on skill-building and collaboration, we can move beyond traditional discipline to create lasting solutions that empower kids to succeed. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or caregiver, embracing this approach can transform not only how you address challenges but also the quality of your relationships with the children in your life.
Together, we can help kids thrive—not because they’re made to, but because they’re equipped to.