Healing Trauma in Philadelphia | What Happened to You?
When someone struggles—with anxiety, anger, depression, or feeling “stuck”—our culture often jumps to asking “What’s wrong with you?”
But as Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey remind us in their book What Happened to You?, that’s the wrong question. The more compassionate, accurate, and healing question is: “What happened to you?”
This simple shift changes everything. Instead of seeing symptoms as flaws or failures, we begin to see them as adaptations—creative survival strategies the nervous system developed in the face of overwhelming stress, loss, or trauma.
At All of You Therapy, this perspective is at the core of how we work with children, teens, adults, and families. We don’t pathologize behaviors. We listen to the story your body, brain, and relationships are telling—and we help you discover new pathways toward safety and healing.
Trauma Isn’t Just in the Past—It Lives in the Body
Many people imagine trauma as a single catastrophic event. But trauma is often quieter and more chronic. It can be growing up in a household where you were never sure if love or anger was coming through the door. It can be neglect, bullying, racism, or poverty. It can also be a medical procedure, an accident, or the loss of someone you love.
What Perry and Winfrey highlight is that trauma doesn’t just live in memory. It shapes the wiring of the brain and nervous system. A child who lived through chaos often becomes an adult whose body is primed for danger—even in safe moments.
This is why you might:
Feel your heart race when someone raises their voice, even if they’re not angry at you.
Freeze when you want to speak up for yourself.
Struggle with sleep, concentration, or trust in relationships.
These are not character flaws. They are the echo of what happened to you.
Why “What Happened to You?” Matters for Children
For children, the stakes are even higher. A child’s brain is still developing, and repeated stress or neglect can actually rewire how that brain learns to regulate emotions, pay attention, and connect with others.
Imagine a 7-year-old melting down over the “wrong” kind of applesauce in her lunchbox. To the outside world, it may look like defiance or overreaction. But from a trauma-informed lens, her nervous system is saying: “This feels unsafe. My body remembers unpredictability.”
When parents, teachers, or caregivers shift from “What’s wrong with this child?” to “What happened to this child?”, everything softens. Instead of punishment, we can offer co-regulation, patience, and attuned connection. That’s how healing begins.
The Science Behind “What Happened to You?”
Dr. Perry explains that the brain develops from the bottom up. The lower parts of the brain control survival—fight, flight, freeze. The higher parts control reasoning, empathy, and planning.
When trauma overwhelms a child, the lower brain takes over. Instead of feeling safe enough to learn or play, the nervous system stays stuck on “high alert.”
That’s why Perry’s framework of regulate, relate, reason is so powerful:
Regulate: First, calm the body and nervous system. This might look like rhythmic play, deep breathing, or movement.
Relate: Once calmer, connect emotionally—show empathy, validation, and safety.
Reason: Only then can the child (or adult) engage in problem-solving, reflection, or new learning.
This sequence isn’t just for kids. It’s true for all of us. You can’t think your way out of a panic attack. You have to first help the body feel safe.
Healing for Adults: It’s Never Too Late
One of the most hopeful messages in What Happened to You? is that healing is always possible. The brain is plastic—it can change throughout our lifetime. With safe, consistent, attuned relationships, the nervous system can learn new patterns.
For adults, this often means slowing down and noticing:
Where do I carry tension in my body?
What triggers old survival patterns?
How do I respond when someone is close—or too close?
In therapy, we create a space where you don’t have to get it right. Where your nervous system can slowly practice what safety, trust, and presence feel like. Over time, those experiences reshape not only your emotional life but also your brain’s wiring.
How We Use This Approach at All of You Therapy
At All of You Therapy, our clinicians are trained in trauma-informed, attachment-based, experiential modalities such as Theraplay, Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, AEDP, and expressive arts therapies. What ties all of these together is the same guiding question: “What happened to you?”
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
For children: Play therapy, Theraplay, and sand tray give kids safe ways to express experiences that words can’t capture. Parents are included, because healing happens in relationship.
For teens: We honor the push-pull of adolescence. We help teens find safe outlets for big feelings, and help parents hold steady without escalating power struggles.
For adults: We integrate somatic (body-based) practices with relational therapy. Whether you’re working through childhood wounds, relational trauma, or anxiety and depression, we stay attuned to your nervous system as well as your story.
For parents and families: We guide you in understanding behavior through the lens of what happened—not what’s wrong. Families often find enormous relief when they stop blaming themselves or their children, and instead focus on building connection and safety.
Practical Steps You Can Take Today
Even outside of therapy, you can begin to apply the principles from What Happened to You? in your daily life. Here are a few starting points:
Notice regulation before reasoning. When a child (or your partner, or even you) is upset, pause before lecturing or problem-solving. Help the body calm first—through movement, rhythm, or soothing tone.
Shift your self-talk. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” when you feel stuck, try asking “What happened to me that makes this hard right now?” That small shift creates space for compassion.
Prioritize relationships. Healing rarely happens alone. Whether through therapy, friendships, or community, seek out safe connections that help your nervous system settle.
Offer curiosity instead of judgment. When someone’s behavior seems confusing, ask yourself: “What might this behavior be protecting them from?”
Why This Matters for Philadelphia Families
Living in a fast-paced city like Philadelphia, it’s easy to normalize stress. But when children and adults are carrying trauma, the weight doesn’t just go away with time. It shows up in classrooms, workplaces, relationships, and health.
By shifting the question to “What happened to you?”, we can change the trajectory for individuals, families, and communities. This lens creates more compassion, less blame, and more opportunities for real healing.
At All of You Therapy in Center City Philadelphia, we bring this perspective to every client we serve—children, teens, adults, couples, and families. Whether you’re navigating the impact of childhood trauma, parenting struggles, or the echoes of past pain, we’re here to help you find safety and connection again.
Oprah and Dr. Perry’s message is both simple and profound: You are not broken. What you’re experiencing makes sense when we understand what happened to you.
With the right support, the nervous system can learn to settle, relationships can become safer, and life can feel more grounded. Healing isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about creating new experiences of safety and connection in the present—so that the future feels possible again.
If you’re ready to begin that process, we invite you to reach out. Therapy can’t change what happened, but it can change what happens next.