Holiday Family Dynamics: What to Do When Being Together Is Hard

Why can holiday family gatherings be a stressful time? Holiday gatherings can be a stressful time for various reasons. We are often carrying around internalized messages and expectations around what we are supposed to do and how we are supposed to act around the holidays, that may be in misalignment from what we actually feel or have the capacity for. There may be an expectation to give gifts or make connections with family members who we don't actually feel a connection with, or even moreso, with whom we have been harmed or have complicated feelings towards. We may feel an expectation (implicitly or explicitly) to behave in a certain way, and that expectation may include suppressing our true feelings, needs, or perspectives. Holiday gatherings are also a time when we may be reconnecting with people, relationships, and memories of holidays past that we have been able to put out of our minds through distance and lack of communication. Reconnecting with family over the holidays can bring us back in touch with challenging emotions, memories, and relationships. We may also find ourselves reverting to behaviors we engaged in with our family when we were younger that feel out of alignment with how we normally act. For example, if our way of coping with family stress when living with our parents was to isolate, we may find ourselves wanting to withdraw or retreat during holiday get togethers, even if we normally experience ourself as an outgoing, social person.

How can your mental health take a toll during holiday gatherings? When our brains  neuroceive (a word that describes perceiving something below the level of conscious awareness) a lack of safety, we shift into hyperarousal (stress, overwhelm, anxiety) or hypoarousal (shut down, lack of energy, depression), and there can be a lot of things that can lead us to not feeling safe at family gatherings- a snide look, sensory overwhelm, managing numerous demand and expectations.The large amounts of stress, pressure, and expectations people experience during holiday gatherings, can lead to a smaller "window of tolerance" (the amount of stress we can handle before we flip out). High expectations to be perfect, attend every event, or be the perfect houseguest or host can lead people to experiencing higher levels of anxiety, panic, and depression.

What are some best practices for keeping your mental health well during holiday family gatherings? Make sure you are taking the time to really reflect on what you want to and have the capacity to do versus what you feel expected or obligated to do. Practice pausing before saying "yes" or "no" to attending holiday gatherings. Ask yourself how much capacity you have, and reflect on how you imagine you will feel after attending the gathering and how this may impact other areas of your life. For example, if you expect that attending a certain gathering may leave you depleted, it may be wise to plan ahead to create buffer for yourself. Perhaps you plan for a babysitter the day after a holiday gathering to give yourself some time to decompress. I also encourage people who want to attend family gatherings but feel stressed at the idea to consider the various options of how this can happen. You might say yes to attending a gathering, but state that you will stay at a hotel rather than your relative's house. Maybe you state that you will be available between certain hours and give yourself permission ahead of time to leave by a certain time. 

One tip I give clients who may expect to find themselves overwhelmed during family gatherings is to remind themselves that they are an adult, and have adult choices that they may not have had as a child, especially since it can be easy to find ourselves reverting back to our childhood coping skills and responses (such as shutting down, engaging in pointless arguments, etc.) This might look like reminding yourself ahead of time that you can pause, take breaks during conversation, and go to the bathroom (perhaps splashing your face with some cold water) if you need a break. This might also look like practicing ways you would like to respond if you expect to find yourself in conversation that could be activating. This might include rehearsing responses if many members ask unwanted questions or engage you in conversation that feels uncomfortable (in things such as politics, weight, etc.).

What are some tactics for avoiding unwanted conversation/topics or interactions during holiday gatherings? It can be helpful to create a plan for how to respond if someone brings up an uncomfortable topic. You might consider practicing responses that use a variety of relational strategies- being direct, being playful, assertively changing the subject, etc. It can often be easier to change the topic from a lighthearted energy or making a joke- such as "oh, you're saying my weight has changed. You know what wait I've noticed changing-- the line at my local post office! I used to be able to go in and out." If you are attending holiday gatherings with a partner, it can be helpful to have a code word or signal to indicate your desire for help being able to exit from or change the topic of a conversation. If you prefer the more direct route, you could consider saying something like, "I love you so much mom. Politics is not something that we agree on, and I want us both to enjoy our time together. You know what we do agree on? How delicious your cookie recipe is! Can I get that from you before I go?"

What are some best practices in defusing a tense situation that might arise at a holiday family gathering? Neurobiologically, we are able to shift from dysregulation back to regulation only when we feel safe. This means that if a situation is getting tense, it can be helpful to provide validation and work to help people feel seen. This might sound like "Mom, Uncle John, I can tell how much you both care about this topic. I love that our family cares so deeply about what we believe in, even if we have different opinions." It can be helpful to diffuse a tense situation with humor or distraction. If you are noticing yourself becoming tense, you might give yourself permission to walk away or shift your focus to something else. This could look like using the restroom, going outside, or shifting conversation or focus to another member of the family. 

If a tense moment should arise, what are the best ways to handle it to ensure everyone stays mentally OK? The use of principles from "nonviolent communication" can be helpful in responding to tense moments. This involves describing what occurred ("Mom, you said "she doesn't need that" when my daughter put more food on her plate"), naming your own feelings ("I felt tense and protective"), identifying needs ("because I want her to keep learning how to listen to her body to tell her when she is hungry or full"), and making a request ("Can you please refrain from commenting on her food choices. If you have concerns, you can come talk to me about it.")

Ensuring that everyone stays mentally okay during tense moments often involves naming feelings rather than stating criticisms or name calling. If you notice yourself feeling strongly compelled to criticize or notice signs of bodily activation (body temperature rising, heart racing), that can be a sign to name what you are experiencing ("I'm noticing myself feeling activated during this conversation. I'd love to talk about (provide alternative).), change the subject, or walk away from the conversation. 

What are some of the best ways to set boundaries with your family during the holidays? It is helpful to be very clear about what your needs and wants are. It be easy to be disappointed when we expect people to read between the lines or infer what we want or need. Be clear and be kind. Remember that boundaries state what you will do rather than forcing someone else to change their behavior. A boundary may sound like, "I am excited to visit for the holidays, and I will be staying at a local hotel for the night" rather than "You need to change or else." 

If you are looking for support navigating challenging family dynamics, our practice would be honored to support you. Reach out today for a free consultation.