Written by Jordan Haiber, BA- Clinical Counseling Graduate Student Intern

As your tween daughter is adjusting to the many changes that come with the timeframe between childhood and adolescence, it is also a time for parents to start adjusting the ways they parent for optimal relationship results. This brings us to the first tip and starting point which is acceptance and having the will to change. The parenting that was once successful for your daughter may not be as effective to your tween daughter as she enters teen-hood. This change can feel drastic, but it is necessary to appropriately connect and listen to your tween daughter. This connection is crucial for the following tips to work harmoniously for parent and daughter.

1. Strengthening the Relationship

It is extremely difficult for any relationship to strengthen if there is no base connection. This does not come easily, as you will sometimes feel the need to push yourself to stay emotionally close to your daughter. This is especially evident when you feel she is so actively pushing you away. Deep down however, she needs you even if it doesn’t feel that way and she’s not typically showing it. Parents have often shown the most success with the time right before bed to be the best time to deeply connect with their daughter. At this time specifically tween girls are less distracted by the outside world and are usually more vulnerable and open at this time. Parents have also shown success connecting with their tweens while driving in the car. Even though your tween may be looking at her phone, if she has one, looking in the same direction, rather than directly at each other (and knowing that you can not look directly at her for too long because you’re driving), may help her to feel safe to be more vulnerable and share parts of her life that she may not otherwise during a sit down, more intentional and serious conversation.

2. Independence

It can be super hard to have your tween daughter not listen to you, even when you know you are right and she’s making a mistake. Controlling all her choices might seem like the best way to help her avoid making these mistakes but it is human nature for the tween girl to rebel against her parents. Allowing her to have independence, to an appropriate extent, will let your tween daughter make mistakes and grow from them. Clearly full independence for your tween isn’t the right answer, and this is where you as a parent must decide how much to weigh in on certain decisions regarding your tween daughter.

3. Empathy

Having empathy and being able to see things from your tween daughter’s perspective is so important. Instead of trying to fix your tween daughter’s problem that might feel like the end of the world to her, just listen and validate her feelings. Your tween daughter’s emotions and hormones are running wild at this point, and it can be an extremely confusing and overwhelming time. With that being said, tween girls may seem to get “bent out of shape” easily over things that don’t seem like a big deal to an adult. Showing you understand her and how things feel for her will go a long way. Sometimes the most significant thing she needs is your empathy, compassion, and understanding.

4. Talking about Sex and Intimacy

This is the dreaded talk for most parents with their children. A stereotypical viewpoint of having the sex talk with your tween daughter is that if you talk about it with them, they will immediately want to go out and engage in sexual activity. Research shows however, that the exact opposite of this is true. This is a time where she will be hearing things from friends and wondering things herself. Feeling she can talk openly with you will make her more aware of what’s factual and what’s not. This will also help her understand the challenging scenarios that can exist in sex and relationships.

5. Don’t Take it Personal

If there is a catchphrase that exists for tween and tween girls, I’m pretty sure it would be, “You just don’t understand!” It’s hard not to feel hurt by this, when you know deep down all you want to be able to do is understand what your tween daughter is going through. This tip relates a bit back to tip number five. Their emotions and hormones are tumultuous, they’re trying to figure out their place in the world, she is discovering new fears and anxieties, and the list goes on. Try to notice your impulse to defend yourself by saying “I remember being a teenager…” or “When I was a teenager…, consider authentically and gently asking, “What do I not understand?” This may help your daughter to feel safe using you as a sounding board, knowing that your goal is not to be “right” but instead to help her feel understood and come to her own conclusions about many things. The best thing you can do as a parent when these tween tantrums happen is to take a deep breath. Fighting back with your daughter will only push her away and chip away at the connection you are trying to build with her. If your daughter could use extra support in navigating her mental health or the struggles she is facing, the trauma and attachment therapists at All of You Therapy would be glad to support her.