Middle school can be a challenging and tumultuous time for any child, but for young girls, it often comes with a unique set of stressors related to social dynamics, self-esteem, and interpersonal conflicts. To you as a parent, it might feel like your daughter is confident and proud of herself one day and struggling to get out of bed or reach out to friends the next day.  It can feel hard to keep up with who your daughter views as a “bestie” and who is a “frenemy” from one day to the next. If we’re honest, it can feel both painful and exhausting to see and experience your daughter struggling with the stressors that come with Middle School, especially as social media and technology provide additional methods for bullying and social comparison.

While it may understandably feel like the only answer is to hold and on try to survive these tumultuous years of your daughter’s life, we know that support from adults is an incredibly important component of helping tweens maintain a positive sense of self, navigating relationship challenges, and learn to navigate conflict effectively. When middle school girls are provided with a safe space to ask hard questions and explore conflicting feelings (“Cheryl is my bestie but I don’t like how she talked to my other friend” or “I was so close with Grace last year but this year it seems like we’re not as close, and I’m not sure how to feel about it”) it increases their ability to look inward for answers rather than making decisions based on what is ‘popular’ or what other people think they should do or feel.  This can be challenging, as it is understandable that you as a parent have your own honest opinion about how your child should handle a situation. It is common and understandable to want to say things like “I knew it wasn’t a good idea to let you have a phone! I think this cyberbullying means we just have to talk your phone away” or “Hannah was never a good friend to you, even before she insulted your outfit. I think you just need to stop talking to her and find other friends.” While these comments may come from a place of care, concern, and fear for your daughter’s wellbeing, they can unintentionally convey judgment and criticism, which may contribute to your daughter being less likely to come talk with you when she is struggling or needs support to come to her own conclusions. 

Create a Safe and Open Space for Communication

One of the most crucial aspects of supporting your daughter through middle school is creating a safe and open space for communication. Middle schoolers often struggle to express their feelings and concerns, so it's essential to let your daughter know that you're there to listen and support her.

Encourage your daughter to share her experiences, thoughts, and feelings with you. Practice active listening by giving her your full attention (yes, this means not answering calls or texts on your phone when she is talking), asking open-ended questions, and refraining from judgment or immediate advice-giving. Sometimes, all your daughter needs is someone to listen without trying to "fix" things. If you find yourself struggling to refrain from advice giving, this may be an opportunity to ask what your daughter’s struggles are bringing up for you. Maybe you had your own experience of being excluded from a friend group in Middle School, or maybe your daughter sharing about her hurt feelings brings out a protective side of you. It can be helpful to be mindful of what your daughter’s experience is bringing up as it relates to your own history, in order to be able to respond to your daughter and what she needs, rather than responding from a place of recognition of how you may have wished you had handled a past situation. It is easy to feel from our adult perspective that we know how a Middle School girl should handle a difficult situation, and the advice we give may even be supportive and helpful! However, if we are too quick to give advice, it precludes girls from being able to grapple with complexity, acknowledging conflicting feelings and needs, and honor the nuance of a situation (i.e. shifting from “Mary is a jerk” to “I really like some things about being friends with Mary, and other parts of the friendship don’t feel good”). 

Be mindful of your own responses to what your daughter shares: Children and teens often refrain from sharing their struggles with their parents out of fear of their parent or caregiver’s reaction (or overreaction). Tweens may refrain from sharing about how they felt a teacher treated them unfairly if they expect that the parent will go storming into the school and “making a scene” or, alternatively, will blame them for doing something that upset the teacher (perhaps because the parent is concerned about how they themself will be perceived). If your desire is for your child to feel more comfortable opening up to you about their feelings and struggles, reflecting on your own emotional reactivity is a good place to start. This might look like thinking about how you have responded when they have shared about feeling jealous of their siblings or when they have shared frustrations they have with boundaries related to screen time. While these things may seem unrelated to challenges related to Middle School (whether academics, peer relationships, etc.) they provide the foundation for what your daughter has or will come to expect when she shares her feelings. In other words, has your daughter come to expect that her feelings and perspective will be questioned, debated, minimized, or glossed over, or has she come to expect that she will be listened to, validated, and responded to with curiosity, even if you don’t agree with her choices or perspective? This doesn’t mean telling your daughter “you’re right” if she thinks the answer to being bullied is to spit in her friend’s food, but it may mean providing space and permission for your daughter to express and process her feelings of anger, powerlessness, and desire to regain a sense of control.

Respect Her Privacy: While it's crucial to create an open environment, respect your daughter's need for privacy. Let her know that you're available to talk when she's ready but don't push her to share if she's not comfortable.  Oftentimes, the less pressure we put on a child to open up, the more they feel safe to share what feels important, when they are ready. Too much expectation for a child to share their feelings or struggles may feel intrusive and have the unintended consequence of having the child clam up and internalize their feelings. Privacy and how much to give it a complex topic, well beyond the scope of a blog. Sometimes, if danger is involved, this may mean keeping a closer eye on your child’s whereabouts. But generally, part of growing up- especially in Middle School- involves healthy individuation from parents. This doesn’t mean they don’t need you (they may need you now more than ever!) but that part of your child developing independence and problem-solving skills of their own may mean allowing them space to explore and process challenges in their life without your constant involvement.

Foster Healthy Self-Esteem

Middle school can be a breeding ground for self-esteem issues, especially for girls who may face societal pressures related to appearance, popularity, and fitting in. Here are some strategies to help foster healthy self-esteem in your daughter:

Encourage Positive Self-Talk: Teach your daughter the power of positive self-talk. Help her identify and challenge negative thoughts and replace them with affirming ones. Remind her that she is unique, valuable, and capable.  However, be careful to refrain from saying “don’t say that!” if she describes feeling ugly, unpopular, or dumb. It may be hard to hear your child hear these things, but telling her to not say that about herself may have the unintended consequence of leading your child to feel that she has to minimize or refrain from sharing the deeper, harder parts of her emotional experience. Instead, consider responding to your daughter’s negative thoughts about herself with curiosity– asking what has led her to feel the way she is and providing space for those painful feelings to be seen and witnessed, without the expectation that they change or go away. We know this is hard and may take practice!

Here’s an example:

Your daughter says “No one at school likes me! I used to have a lot of friends but I don’t anymore. It must be because I’m not as pretty as the other girl, or maybe it’s because I’m not very good at soccer!”

It can be so tempting to reply with “But I like you! And remember your friend so and so, they like you too! They invited you over just last week! And you know how pretty you are–remember how you looked in your first day of school outfit, you loved that outfit! And it doesn’t matter that you’re not good at soccer. You know that you’re such a talented artist!”

While these statements may be coming from a very loving place of intention to improve your daughter’s self esteem, they are responding to emotional statements with logic. For better or worse, it is unlikely that emotions truly shift with logic. Instead, consider responding with something like “It sounds like you’re feeling pretty lonely. You know you had a lot of friends last year, and it doesn’t feel the same way this year, huh? That sounds really hard. Tell me more.”

Remember, it isn’t your job or responsibility to take your daughter’s hard feelings away. Even though it might seem unbearable to see your daughter in pain, responding to painful emotion with logic may intentionally lead your daughter to feeling even more isolated. Your job as a parent or caregiver is not to fix or change your daughter’s emotions. You get to take that pressure off of yourself! Instead, take the time to be mindful of and compassionate towards your own experience of your daughter’s pain, which will enable you to respond with curiosity and compassion to your daughter’s experience.

Share Your Experiences: Share your own experiences with self-esteem and body image during middle school, if you feel comfortable. Let her know that you understand the challenges she faces and that self-acceptance is a journey.  This doesn’t mean making the conversation all about you, but instead, naming that she is not alone in what she is experiencing. It is easy for the peer relationship changes, so frequently occurring in Middle School, to make girls feel alone, and sharing your own experiences can help your daughter feel connected to you. Rather than lecturing her about what she should do to navigate the situation, you can name your own struggles and reflections about the ups and downs of your own experience. This may help your daughter to learn from your experiences without having to directly connect the dots between your experiences and her own.

Celebrate Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate your daughter's achievements, no matter how small they may seem. This can boost her confidence and sense of self-worth.  This can help your daughter feel seen and delighted in. Know that achievements don’t only include winning sporting events or getting an A on an exam. It can be more helpful to acknowledge the hard work, dedication, and perseverance put into those achievements rather than praising the achievement itself. That way, when your daughter struggles, she can know that her worth is not in getting an award or being seen as better than others. This may sound odd, but celebrating an achievement may also include celebrating and affirming your daughter’s decision to quit an activity that she has decided is not in her best interest. Perhaps she joined a club because all of her friends joined but then decided the club did not align with her values or was not the best use of her time. Celebrate any time that your daughter chooses to turn her focus inward, especially when that means potentially risking social status or jumping into uncertainty (such as trying something new!)

Promote A Positive Body Image:: Discuss body image in a positive and healthy way. This often looks like not making many comments about your daughter’s appearance at all, and especially avoiding any negative comments. Encourage her to appreciate her body for what it can do rather than focusing solely on appearance. Be a role model by practicing self-acceptance.  Research has shown over and over that one of the biggest contributors to girls’ body image is the way that mothers talk about their own body. Be mindful of how you talk about your body around your daughter. She will learn (without you having to explicitly teach!) how to view, trust, and respond to her own body through how you talk about your own! 

• Teach Resilience and Coping Skills

Middle school is a time of change and uncertainty, and it's essential to equip your daughter with the tools she needs to navigate these challenges. Here are some resilience and coping skills to teach her:

Problem-Solving: Teach your daughter problem-solving skills, such as identifying the issue, brainstorming solutions, and evaluating their effectiveness. This will empower her to take control of her life and address challenges head-on.  Recognize that if your daughter is in the middle of an emotional crisis or is actively crying or yelling about something upsetting, this is likely not the most effective time to attempt to engage her in problem solving. Wait until the emotional acuity has shifted in order to engage your child in problem solving. One effective way of doing this is to model problem solving out loud. If you have a limited amount of time to drop off all your kids before you have to go to work, you might name out loud that you’re overwhelmed, then verbalize your trust in yourself to figure it out. Perhaps you name your awareness of how you will manage your time and who you can ask for help. Your daughter will pick up on this without you having to directly teach her these skills.

Emotional Regulation: Help your daughter understand and manage her emotions. Teach her techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or journaling to cope with stress and anxiety.  This is another opportunity to allow your daughter to learn from your example. You might name outloud “I’m feeling anxious about the presentation coming up at work. My brain is telling me I’m going to do poorly. Oh, you know what, I haven’t had breakfast yet this morning and have only had coffee, so that may be making be a bit jittery.” Perhaps you then take some deep breaths yourself and model positive self-talk. Again, your daughter will pick up on your modeling of how you regulate your own nervous system. This is a way that mirror neurons work!

Conflict Resolution: Middle school often involves conflicts with friends. Teach your daughter healthy conflict resolution skills, including active listening, empathy, and assertiveness.  Your daughter will learn a lot about how to manage conflict through the way conflict is navigated at home. Does conflict lead to loud explosions of anger? If so, you daughter may learn that aggression is needed in order to be heard. Do you struggle to maintain boundaries when your daughter is mad at you? If so, she may learn that conflict is something to be avoided. If these examples resonate with you, practice self-compassion! As adults we can also grow in our own capacity to navigate conflict assertively, which in turn will help the children we care for.

Time Management: Middle school can be overwhelming with increased academic demands. Help your daughter develop time management and organizational skills to stay on top of her responsibilities.  This may look like teaching your daughter how to use a planner or encouraging her to put reminders in her phone at the moment she remembers to do something (rather than waiting until she gets home. This can be especially important if your daughter struggles with executive functioning)

Be Mindful of Social Media

In today's digital age, social media plays a significant role in the lives of middle schoolers. While it can be a source of connection and entertainment, it can also exacerbate social challenges and self-esteem issues. Here's how you can approach social media with your daughter:

Set Boundaries: Establish clear guidelines regarding social media use. Limit screen time, especially during homework and family time. Discuss appropriate content and responsible online behavior.  If your daughter expresses push back to the limits you set on screen time or social media use, try to first respond with curiosity rather than with doubling down. Authentically inquire with your daughter about what feels hard or scary about time off of social media. Engage her in an honest discussion, valuing her thoughts and opinions, about the pros and cons of social media. If you approach this conversation with curiosity and a willingness to learn, your daughter may open up about things you were unaware of. This may include FOMO (fear of missing out) on what is happening with her friends if she is not constantly on social media or concerns about being made fun of if she is not up to date on what has occurred in celebrity culture or within her friend group. The more we lead with curiosity, the more opportunities we have to support young people in navigating challenging experiences.

Encourage Offline Connections: Emphasize the importance of in-person relationships and activities. Encourage your daughter to spend time with friends face-to-face rather than exclusively through screens.  This may mean providing rides to see her friends or encouraging various in-person activities. Perhaps you really love sports, but your daughter has shown more interest in art. Forcing her to engage in sports may lead to resentment and a further push back to her phone, where she may find her comfort zone. Allowing your child to engage in in-person activities more aligned with her unique interests may involve giving yourself space to grieve the ways your daughter is different from you or who you had expected your child to be.

Monitor and Educate: Keep an eye on your daughter's online activity without invading her privacy.  This may mean reflecting on your sense of your daughter’s capacity to be responsible online. This doesn’t mean judging your daughter, but instead being aware of the developmental stage she is at and the impact that may make on decision making. Be aware of the platforms she uses and educate yourself about their features and potential risks.  Many forms of social media have chat features that could allow your daughter to communicate with strangers. If you find out that this has been happening in an unsafe manner, try to first notice and be mindful of your own emotional reaction. Notice if your first response is anger and if that could be an understandable defense against feelings of fear or guilt. 

Discuss Online Challenges: Talk to your daughter about online challenges and how to respond if she encounters them. Let her know that she can always come to you if she experiences or witnesses any issues.  The more your child observes your own capacity to maintain a sense of regulation even when upset, the more she will feel safe to come to you with difficult or scary situations.

Provide a Safe Space for Self-Exploration

Middle school is a time of self-discovery, and it's crucial to provide a safe space for your daughter to explore her thoughts, feelings, reactions, and needs. Instead of telling her what to do or how to feel, encourage her to learn from her experiences:

Encourage Self-Reflection: Ask open-ended questions that prompt self-reflection. Encourage your daughter to think about how she feels, what she wants, and what solutions she envisions.

Validate Her Emotions: Let your daughter know that it's okay to feel a wide range of emotions, and they are valid. Avoid dismissing or minimizing her feelings, even if they seem trivial. One component of this process is to consider which emotions of your own, as a parent, you allow to be seen and recognized. For example, if you stuff down your anger, your daughter will likely pick up on this, even if unconsciously. This may contribute to her feeling as though anger is scary or will lead to relational disruption. The more you can allow the extent of your full emotional experience (while being mindful of the impact of your behavior on others, of course), the more your daughter will be able to integrate the full range of her emotions, many of which may feel big, loud, and even scary- especially with Middle School experiences!

Share Your Support: Reiterate your support and belief in her ability to make decisions. Let her know that you trust her judgment and are there to provide guidance when she seeks it.  This might look like saying “That was a hard decision, and I could tell you thought a lot about it. How did you come to your conclusion?” This provides your daughter with a chance to reflect on her own capacity to make hard decisions, including if there was information she wishes she took more into account or ways she would make the decision differently next time.

Celebrate Her Autonomy: Celebrate her growing autonomy and decision-making abilities. This helps her develop confidence and a sense of responsibility for her choices.  As much as it may be difficult to accept, this includes allowing your daughter to make mistakes.  This doesn’t mean allowing her to drive a car that she doesn’t have a license to or engage in behavior that could cause serious harm, but it does mean allowing your daughter to make some decisions you disagree with. This may mean allowing her to be friend’s with a peer you don’t particularly like or allowing her to try an activity that you don’t expect her to take to naturally. 

Navigating middle school and its unique challenges can be a complex journey for young girls, but with your support as a parent, your daughter can learn and grow in her own capacity for decision making, emotion regulation, problem solving, and conflict resolution. By creating a safe and open space for communication, fostering healthy self-esteem, teaching resilience and coping skills, being mindful of social media, and providing a safe space for self-exploration, you can empower your daughter to overcome challenges and develop into a confident, resilient, and empathetic young woman. Middle school may be a maze, but with your guidance and understanding of your own experiences, she can find her way through it with grace and strength.