Breaking up is hard to do, but the process can be especially painful when kids are involved. If you’re a parent who has gone through a divorce, you may have wondered if your children will suffer emotional damage because of the rift between you and your ex- spouse. In short: No, this does not have to be their fate-if you practice healthy co-parenting. Research shows that good co-parenting relationships lead to better mental health outcomes for children. But what exactly is healthy co-parenting, and why does it matter? Let’s take a look.

Reassure the child that they are not to blame.

Children at a young age develop feelings of vulnerability. They might see unhealthy co-parenting as a reason to blame themself for their parents divorce. As a parent, it is important to help your child feel safe enough to express if they have these feelings of doubt or anger. Communication is a healthy tool that will help your children feel reassured and balanced.

Why is it important that children see parents co-parenting well?

Children are also very observant and pick up behaviors and patterns that we as adults might have missed. The child will benefit from seeing co-parenting as involving five factors: respect, civility, patience, kindness, support, and conjunction. Healthy co-parenting means coexisting and making sure the child feels like they are a part of a family. However, it is important to recognize that we are humans and experiencing a variety of emotions is bound to happen at some point. What matters is developing healthy habits to ensure that negative patterns do not arise.

What makes co-parenting difficult?

Sometimes negative co parenting patterns can take place, and the reasons vary depending on the pair. Parents might be experiencing the stress of feeling too busy with their work, too tired, too overwhelmed, too angry, or too depressed. It is so easy to be consumed in our own lives, that we forget to take care of ourselves. It is so important to compassionately recognize our own shortcomings and learn from them, which will help our children to do the same and learn conflict and mistakes can be handled in a healthy manner.

Ask for Help and Support when you need it.

Remember to ask for help and support when you need it. There is no shame in seeking help. You can seek support from a family member, friend, therapist, counselor, religious leader, or a support group. Asking for help and voicing your needs for your mental health is essential. There are many different routes you can take when asking for support.

How Does the Separation of Parents Impact the Mental Health of Children?

The separation of parents is frequently a difficult experience, especially when the children are young or if the couple has been together for a long time. Displaying healthy communication patterns and avoiding talking negatively about your ex-partner/co-parent will help prevent your child from feeling like they have to take care of your own emotional needs or take sides, which can contribute to negative mental health outcomes. With healthy co-parenting patterns, children can learn the importance of coexisting peacefully, even with people they may not like, and asking for support when it is difficult to do so.

How Co-parenting Helps Kids in the Long Run?

Co Parenting is a necessary skill for a child’s mental health. Healthy co-parenting helps children feel safety, love, acceptance, confidence, secure identity, and strong bonds in future relationships.

Remember that co-parenting is a learning process, especially if you are new to it. As a parent, it might be difficult to switch your role to be more of a friend or neutral party with the person who was once your spouse or romantic partner. Taking the time to process your own grief, anger, sadness, and other potential feelings around the shift in this relationship and hurts that you may be holding will help ensure that your child is not burdened by this life transition, which can happen unintentionally when one parent expresses contempt towards the other in front of the child. Finding ways to speak positively or neutrally about your child’s co-parent, even when there is conflict, will help your child develop a stronger sense of self (after all— they come from both of you!) and reduce the burden that comes from being expected (even unintentionally) to take sides.

At All of You Therapy in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and Montgomeryville, Pennsylvania, we don’t provide co-parenting therapy but can refer you to skilled therapists who specialize in this work. We do, however, love working with children or the whole family in processing the impact of parental separation on a child’s emotional and behavioral wellbeing.